Zombie survival tips

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In the unfortunate event of a zombie apocalypse, remember these important tips:

1. Travel in herds.

More friends equals less of a chance of the flesh-eating savages getting at you. Your foot might happen to slip beneath your buddy’s escape route, causing him to lose his footing and becoming the victim of a carnivorous attack. Just remember, it was only an accident.

2. Get a belt.

You can’t run very fast with your pants around your ankles.

3. A vehicle meant for driving.

How are you suppose to escape anything at all when the low ride metal scrap you previously cherished can’t even get you over a speed bump past 5 mph without scraping?

4. Locked and loaded.

Let’s face it, you’re not gonna get anywhere without the use of force against these things.

5. Quietly. Locked and loaded.

The deafening sound of your firearm will act a lot like the tuning of the fork in Ivan Pavlov’s experiment on classical conditioning. When the mindlessly hungry hear the deafening sound of your firearm, they’ll come running for a hot meal. It’d be smart to acquire a silencer or even a crossbow.

6. The only good zombie is a dead zombie.

If you see little Tommy from down the street among the infected, it’s important to be aware of his intentions to eat you alive; he isn’t the innocent boy you once knew. If you’re going to survive in this new world, you can’t get attached to the little things. It’s alright to cry as long as you’re aiming through a scope as you do so.

7.Make sure they’re really dead.

The movie “Zombieland” gave the advice to “double tap”. Don’t even stop there. Triple tap.

8. Carry a backup.

If you cared enough to read the above tips, the crossbow you’re carrying will eventually run out of ammo. Be sure to bring extras in case this happens. This includes things such as tomahawks, spring loaded blades, stun guns, or if your options are limited, pepper spray.

9. Make sure you’re the main character in your own story.

Seriously, the main character never dies.