Top five animals to distract from Donald Trump

Story by: Ashlei Gosha, Reporter

Donald Trump is a possible candidate in the United States presidential election of 2016. This isn’t good news, but what can be done about it? There’s no good answer for that question, so do what’s always done when bad news abounds: look at some animals.

A Red Panda

Look at it. What’s it doing with that leaf? It’s having a good time, that’s what. A better time than you’ll have thinking about Donald Trump and his businesses, which have gone bankrupt at least four times. So think about what this red panda is doing instead of him.



A Rottweiler

Not just any pooch, but a rottweiler. It’ll roll around in the mud, and you’ll have to clean it up, but that’s a lot better than thinking about cleaning Donald Trump’s soggy toupee. That might bite.


An Ostrich

This flightless avian is pale and scrawny, but you wouldn’t want a kick in the chest from it. At two percent bone and 98 percent power, the only thing that hurts as much as getting drop kicked by an ostrich’s skinny legs is having to listen to Donald Trump’s views on immigration when his grandparents, wives and mother are immigrants themselves.



A Camel

Three words: utility, mobility and history. For hundreds of years, it alone could bear the burden of travel across deserts. It’s earned the respect it’s due, unlike Donald Trump, who fights the issue of corporate taxes and happens to be the chairman of three large businesses.



A Cow

They didn’t call pretty girls cow-eyed for no reason. Look at those eyes. It cares for you. It wants you to feel only happiness. Unlike Donald Trump, it doesn’t stir up trouble. It doesn’t want to cut the Department of Education down.